Victoria | Aquarius | Sofla
Trying to find peace in the midst of all this chaos
It’s weird when you come to consciousness so late in life. I am not the same person as I was in thought. I am a sexual being. I think about sex a lot. I feel immensely. I will forever feel passionately. I feel forever cursed in love. I will die alone. Like in The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug. But I wish I could feel love.
Deleted all my social media except fb and I already feel liberated. I couldn’t stand having so many ppl think that they knew me just because they had me on Instagram or twitter or Snapchat. Fuck that. You don’t know me. You don’t understand me. Fuck you. I’m sick of it all, I felt like I did everything for others and not for myself and what made me happy. I’m over it. Just because we say hi at the library or we are in the same club, does not mean you know me or that we are friends.
I feel so alone and idk if it’s because of society or just where I’m at in my life. It’s not just sex or having someone to go get coffee with, nothing superficial. I crave to find someone who’s my person, my soulmate, the person I just click with. I’m so tired of feeling so empty. It makes me feel like I am unable to connect with people, that I walk this earth on my own and I can’t find anyone to connect with. I have these constant thoughts about maybe I’m just fucked up or a sociopath lmao idk honestly. But even the most fucked up ppl find someone to love so it’s not even that. Maybe I’m too picky but I can’t help it!! I refuse to settle, ever. That’s the thing, I don’t want perfect, I want someone who’s flawed because I’m flawed. I just want someone who’s on my god damn wavelength with everything! I just want it, for once, to click when I meet that person. I’m so tired of waiting and going on dates with ppl who are mediocre. I want someone to understand me. I want to feel loved and wanted and understood. I’m just walking this earth completely alone and I feel so fucking empty. Every time I go on dates it’s so fucking disappointing and frustrating. Why is it so fucking hard to love and to be loved and to find love???? Like why do the worst fucking ppl or dumbest fucking ppl get to experience love and not be alone but I’m here suffering all the time by myself??? WHAT THE FUCK. Even Ted Bundy, a god damn serial killer who raped and violently killed innocent women and was a fucking sociopath got married lmao and I’m here like, barely ever getting a second date. I am so tired of it all. All I can do is cry in my pillow and then wake up and go on with my life. Fuck life and fuck everything. Seriously I feel like we’re already in hell.
Why does nostalgia have to feel so sad yet so satisfying? I’m 26 years old and 10 years ago, my life was so different. The people I was interacting with and where I was in life…sometimes I want to scream and shake that 16 year old girl in anger. But I know deep down she just didn’t know any better and she was doing the best she could with what she had and what she knew. I don’t know whether to cry or smile when I look back on memories and old fb statuses. I currently struggle with the idea of never being able to be loved, like I’m too damaged or fucked up. But I was loved. I was loved very deeply. And even though I didn’t realize or know it at the time, I see it clearly now. I’m surprised I’m not crying, but actually smiling and feeling so happy that I was once loved so very much but I just couldn’t comprehend, I was too young and niave. It’s taken me 10 years to grow up and learn to appreciate good people. However, I do not blame or get mad at myself because it also took me 10 years to realize the truth of all the damage that had been done to me since I was a child. I was physically, sexually and mentally abused by people and I had repressed those memories for so long, I was in denial for so long. So I’m not mad at 16 year old Lexus, I’m proud of her for fucking surviving and for never giving up on herself. If I hurt people along the way, I’m sorry but I was suffering so deeply myself that there was no possible way for me to love other people the way they loved me. I’m done punishing myself for 10 fucking years. I forgive myself for anything wrong I’ve done in the past. I am a good person. I deserve to be loved and to love and to be cherished and protected. I am ridding myself of guilt and any regretful actions I’ve done. I have suffered long enough, I deserve to be happy. I AM AWAKE AND ALIVE FOR THE FIRST TIME AS ME. I feel whole for the first time, ever. I have never felt this much relief and light before; I am floating. Lmao I get it, I fucking get it. For the first time, I understand what people use to say about one day waking up and realizing how much you are worth and that nothing else matters. That you just feel alive. Holy shit, 7 days after my 26th birthday and I have mentally become an adult LMAO. I can’t believe it.
This is truly the happiest day of my life.
I can finally be happy.
Wait no; I am finally letting myself be happy.